I am Jennifer.

I miss walking outside, because it's too hot now.

The doctor and his assistant were nice today.

My back hurts where they whittled on me.

Seven to ten days sounds like it'll take forever, but I know it won't.

Work should be manageable this week.

I'm making headway on one of my favorite annual projects.

We're printing a lot more on FSC paper lately.

The Green Team gives me a sense of purpose.

Biscuits is super lovey and super energetic.

Osiris is my Love Muffin.

Kitty visited me the last two mornings - of her own volition.

I enjoy playing Facebook Scrabble with my friend Wendy.

I miss Darrell when he has to work late.

Getting handwritten cards in the mail makes me cry happy tears.

I should mail more cards.

The Ben Folds University A Capella album rocks my socks off.

I ended that sentence with a preposition, because I didn't see a way around it.

I'm reading Dune, am halfway through, and am still not loving it.

We finished watching The Stand again last night.

Rob Lowe doesn't give me the hots like he once did.

I think he had a nose job.

Time to find Life Offline.

Labels: observations

posted by Jennifer at 6/29/2009 06:19:00 PM | 0 comments

I think I might be hung up on the past, trying to cling to some semblance of the way things were before we lost our mothers and work went to hell. It's time to get out of the idea that things can go back and realize that things are moving forward. Quickly.

I told Darrell the other day that on one hand, it feels like years have gone by, and on the other, it feels like yesterday.

It's really not something I was prepared to deal with at this point in my life. I don't know that anyone can fully prepare for it, but I just wanted more warning. More thought. More time to understand.

While I'm still mourning, I'm trying to heal with newness, but now all of that is overwhelming as well. We got a new cat, a new sofa, a new car. It's almost too much newness too soon. And now I'm overwhelmed with it, and with the prospect of more to come soon.

And in the meantime, dealing with my own dysfunction as well as others'... I need air. I need time to breathe said air. And I need a place away from everything to take the time to breathe it.

Labels: observations

posted by Jennifer at 6/07/2009 12:54:00 PM | 1 comments

It's beautiful outside. It should be putting a spring in my step, but this damnable stomach bug has my digestiveness all wonky. I feel like I'm hungry all the time, but when I try to eat, I usually can't finish. It's heartburn, I know, but I just want to feel well again.

And then I think of my mom. She puked every day at least once a day for the last 2 months she lived. And she still smiled when I saw her. She still laughed when someone told a joke. She still answered the phone when people called.

I don't even have the strength to keep my chin up through a measly stomach bug.

And why is it that today, I can't get over feeling like the kid that was always picked last for dodgeball? Granted, it could have something to do with having always been the kid that was picked last for dodgeball, but I never even liked dodgeball anyway...

I've decided I don't like online social networking any more than I like true-to-life social networking. That could be why no one but people googling obscure David Bowie songs and "pointy tailbone" are mostly who visits here. Not to say I don't appreciate the few who have stuck it out with me here. It's just a little like shouting into the dark.

But that seems to be just what I need sometimes.

Labels: observations, whining

posted by Jennifer at 3/23/2009 04:53:00 PM | 0 comments

I haven't been here since December. December... just lost O'Malley-san, had our first motherless Xmases, welcomed in the new year only in hopes that it would be better than the last.

So far, it's close to par, but 2009 has a built-in advantage in comparison with this time last year. This time last year, we were coping with Darrell's mother's illness that she wouldn't let anyone help with, and Darrell was recovering from having a metal rod removed from his leg. At least everyone we know is in good health, which is actually a very big advantage when I dwell on the thought.

We're still not through with Darrell's mother's house. It's getting there, though... just not as quickly as I'd hoped.

I still cry a lot. Tears come when all I do is think about trying not to cry. Sometimes they just come.

We got a new kitty Wednesday. His name is Biscuits, and he's adorable. He's the most well-behaved, laid back kitten I've ever met. We joke that he's channeling the spirit of O'Malley. He is a great little cat, and I'm sure that Osiris and Kitty will realize that soon.

I've distanced myself a lot from everyone except Darrell and my close family lately. I am not sure why, but it may be because I don't know if I can handle anyone else's traumas right now, plus I can't explain how I feel to anyone else who hasn't directly experienced what I've been through in the past year.

I'll try to explain here, in a nutshell.

Losing Darrell's mom hurt on many levels. There was the hurt of losing her, missing her, feeling like I didn't have time to get to know her. Then, there was the hurt of having her be angry at me and everyone around her, lashing out, verbally slapping everyone in the face. There was the pain of separation from his family, the frustration at everyone being angry at each other, knowing it all could fall apart any second like a house of cards. There was finding homes for her sweet kitty and confused bird. Then, the cards fell down, and there was the pain of the small bond - the start of friendship - that I thought I had with ones I loved. The frustration is still left now, but it'll pass. At least it feels like the worst is over, and it's just a matter of picking up the pieces and putting (throwing) them away.

Losing Mother hurts still. The worst part was learning she was sick, because it was then that I had to prepare for losing her. I didn't know it would happen so quickly. Father is coping the best he can, and he's faring really well. Christopher doesn't talk about it much. I am trying to help however I can. I don't know why I cry about it so much... I guess I just plain miss her.

Losing O'Malley was the hardest thing I've had to do. Learning he was sick at the same time that I learned Mother was sick left me in almost a state of disbelief. I loved that little orange cat so much. I would have done ANYTHING for him. If I'd thought surgery or alternative medicine or standing on my head and whistling "Dixie" day and night would have helped, I would have gone to the moon and back for that cat. In the end, we did have to do the hardest thing in the world for him... we had to have him put to sleep. It was the right thing to do, but why is the right thing absolute torture sometimes?

Now, work is hell on Darrell, and his hell is mine. I hope it eases up on him soon. Stress like this is too much for anyone to take.

Me? I'll be okay. It will just take time. It seems that we have little of it these days, but the fact is that's all that's guaranteed lately... time. Time will pass. Days, weeks, months, years.

Where I'll be at the end of them will be due in large part to wherever time would like to take me. I've given up trying to control anything lately.

That said, here's some pictures of the cats: Osiris being displeased, Kitty being inquisitive, and Biscuits being cute.

Labels: observations, pets

posted by Jennifer at 3/15/2009 09:47:00 AM | 3 comments

Osiris is sitting in my lap. Since O'Malley left us, he's been exceptionally snuggly. I don't know if he was scared to sit in my lap with O'Malley or if he actually feels that same empty hole that I feel now that our little friend is gone.

Sometimes I think he feels it, too.

I called someone today and cried hysterically when I got off the phone. I'm either a complete lunatic or I just have an abundance of grief that I'm not prepared to stand toe-to-toe with right now.

We've lost so much this year that I don't know how we're still standing. We never have any time anymore. Work is kicking both our butts, but Darrell's especially. I want to take a vacation, but not by myself.

I want everything to be as close to normal as it was last year and year before.

Forgive and eventually forget is how I usually feel about it. I guess my tune would change if I'd forgiven and tried to forget so many times.

I tried to buy quasi-healthy food at the grocery store this time around. Though, it's really nearly impossible at the Kroger. Everything has either too much fat or too much sugar or too much sodium. I'm just going to live off carrots and broccoli for the rest of my life. Maybe one small cookie.

Labels: observations, pets

posted by Jennifer at 12/14/2008 05:45:00 PM | 0 comments

Something's missing. It's time. I've got none. And when I do have a little, I sit, stare, and wonder what it is I'm forgetting to do.

Days pass by filled with work that has lost most of its meaning for me. I've been feeling surly, but I hope it's not as noticeable to everyone else as it is to me. I really don't want to be surly.

I throw myself into whatever it is I'm working on, though. Say what you will, but I am diligent.

Diligence is a close cousin of obsession/compulsion.

Is this depression or just the days getting shorter and the nights getting longer?

I still see a light up ahead, but it seemed so much closer, warmer, and less ominous this time last year.

This Xmas, we'll be without both of our mothers and our sweet Malley-san. The world feels so empty now, even though it is still filled with so much and so many.

It just isn't the same.

Labels: observations

posted by Jennifer at 12/10/2008 05:54:00 PM | 0 comments

September 6 – We rode the Dragon's Tail.

September 7 – We saw Ben Folds.

September 12 – I turned 28 (and Ben Folds turned 42.)

September 17 – My mother was hospitalized.

September 19 – My mother had a colonoscopy.

September 22 – My mother had a colectomy and a stint placed in her ureter, as she was diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer.

September 23 – I cried for a day at work.

September 24 – I began to stop crying and put myself to work in Chattanooga, helping Father put away laundry. We saw The Swell Season.

September 26-28 – We worked on getting my parents' house ready for my mother to come home.

September 30 – My mother got to come home from the hospital.

October 1 – My mother had a bad day.

October 2 – A better day for Mother today.

One day at a time, right?

Labels: observations

posted by Jennifer at 10/03/2008 07:36:00 PM | 0 comments

Yesterday picked me up, shook me by the shoulders, and opened my eyes to show me the unimportance of my role in a large part of my life.

Math is not my strong suit by any means, so bear with me while I figure this... Approximately 2,000 hours a year of my life would roughly approximate half of my waking hours. I'm devoting half my life to a role that is wholly unimportant.

This is something I can chose to remain the same, or I can chose to change. I am prepared to change. If this was a relationship of any other sort, I would have and could have walked away. But it is my livelihood.

Opportunity can be a beautiful thing that I embrace or that I run away from. Or I could cling to it until it diminishes.

Part of me thinks my heart is like a magic 8 ball... I'm still waiting to see what it says after it was shaken yesterday.

Another part of me thinks my heart needs to have no business in these sorts of decisions.

And yet another part fights for it to have even more say in these matters.

All that being said, my mantra when I awoke this morning was: "My job may not be important, but I AM IMPORTANT."

Now, what to do about that... I don't know.

Labels: observations, self-assessment

posted by Jennifer at 7/24/2008 07:38:00 PM | 0 comments

When I was growing up, I went from 4' 10" at 11 years old to 5' 7" by 13. The realization randomly dawned on me the other day about why I longed to be short. Short, thin girls are sometimes perceived as being less powerful than taller girls. This lack of control would have more aptly fit me in my teenage years; it possibly would more aptly fit me still. If nothing else, it would have given me something to secretly attribute it to. I grew into the tall, thin, 5' 9" girl I am today. Some days, I feel beautiful, vibrant, healthy, and lithe. Other days, I feel lanky, weak, sallow, and bony.

While riding the other day, the thought occurred to me that I don't have to feel those negative things, if I would only reinforce the positive thoughts when the negative ones creep in. Tears came to me with this, as I know sometimes I need the negatives to feel the positives. Plus, it just isn't so simple.

Trying to find that perfect balance of necessary control versus happy chaos is not an easy thing to do. Some people grab onto the control more easily, and others prefer to let the chaos take over. I've dappled in both, and I want the middle-ground. Is there a middle-ground?

That may be what is making it so hard for her now. She is losing the balance she has found of control versus chaos, and I have a feeling hers leaned more toward control than otherwise. She knows she will leave behind everything and everyone she has worked so hard to gather, grow, and tend to. And the physical pain is not going away anymore, though she is holding on longer than we were told to expect. Acceptance of those things is surely not an easy thing for her; they are things she may possibly never accept. And yet, today, we will wish her a happy Mother's Day. How can it possibly be happy? That is not for me to understand. I can only wish her happiness - today and every day she has left, however long that may be - and know that it is possible, even if I have no control over it.

What I do have control over is what I do with my Sunday. And I am thankful for being able to spend it with someone I love. That, and the warm, snuggly cats in my lap.

Labels: observations

posted by Jennifer at 5/11/2008 08:20:00 AM | 0 comments

I write more when I'm alone.

Darrell's working the Opera this week. So, I get some time to myself. And I think. And I mull. And I get headaches. And I procrastinate sometimes. I do get some things done, but not the things I probably should be getting done.

My head hurts again.

I think I'm addicted to coffee.

I need to do taxes.

I have no theatre date for tomorrow.

The "Star Performer" at work for March was... me.

All I want to do is look at pictures of my new iris bed. Over and over.

Why do I feel like a failure sometimes when I know I'm not?

I got a card in the mail today, and it made me cry.

I think the cats are ignoring me.

I need a vacation.

Seriously.

Labels: observations

posted by Jennifer at 4/07/2008 06:40:00 PM | 0 comments

There's a field of construction equipment that we pass by on the way to Chattanooga. I love it. It is full of bulldozers, tractors, front-end loaders, and more, and they are all lined up in a field together. They're mostly spaced equally, but some are facing one way, and some the other. I like to imagine that they are all playing a game in slow-motion. The motion is so slow that no one can see them moving.

I pick some as the referees, and the rest are players.

The game has been going on since I can remember. I'm not sure what score they're playing to or who will win. Or maybe they are just playing for the fun of the game and not keeping score.

I've been meaning to take a picture of this field of construction equipment for years, but I just can't bring myself to stop and do it. There's not really much of a good place to stop without having to dart across the interstate. And I'm not very keen on being flattened by an inattentive truck driver.

Imagine my surprise, though, when I saw a picture of this very field on this week's PostSecret Sunday Secrets. It's got to be the same field. It has to be. And it has "I forgive you" written in the sky. I have to wonder what it means.

It's on my desktop wallpaper now. And when I look at it, it varies from minute to minute whether I feel like it is speaking to me, telling me I'm forgiven... or whether I feel like I am speaking through it, forgiving someone.

And the game continues in very, very slow-motion all the while.

Labels: observations

posted by Jennifer at 3/31/2008 06:05:00 PM | 1 comments

I was almost – literally – blown off the Woodland Street Bridge today. I also almost lost my scarf moments prior. It made me giggle.

I think the guy coming the other way on the bridge sidewalk was frightened for my safety.

That made me giggle some more.

Pissy mood, be damned. Being shoved around by an invisible force within inches of plummeting to my watery grave on a gorgeous day is just plain fun.

Labels: observations

posted by Jennifer at 3/18/2008 04:48:00 PM | 0 comments

I haven't just come out and said what is going on, so I guess I should. Darrell's mother is very sick. And since she doesn't like the word being whispered, I will come out and say it. It's cancer. It's very advanced. And the reality is she's dying.

Part of me misses her already. I already miss her pointing out her flowers in the gardens this Spring. I already miss her bringing way too much food over for Thanksgiving. I already miss her calling me "turkey" with a sneaky smile on her face all the while (even though she's still doing that). :^)

And then the other part of me knows that every day is still time to spend getting to know her and making her time left as good as it can be at this point. I can bring her fun stuff and help here and there when I can. But I can't make the pain go away. And I can't stay with her so Darrell or his sister can get sleep. I feel like I'm tied to a tree in the front yard while her house is burning down.

For some reason, I can talk about her condition when someone asks. I can tell them all about how she's feeling, what the latest stumbling block seems to be, and how Darrell's faring. But I get weepy when anyone asks me how I am feeling through all this or tells me what a help they're sure I am. Or if they mention the word "transition," particularly "helping with her transition." I'm an emotional minefield, and I do appreciate those that are brave enough to face the possibility of an explosion.

On that upbeat note, here are our Xmas photos from this year.

Labels: observations, photos

posted by Jennifer at 1/14/2008 08:40:00 PM | 2 comments

A series of thoughts occurred to me on the bike ride home today.

The series involved her.

I was riding, and thinking of how I hoped that the next couple of weeks will be like a nice ride for her, wind blowing in her hair, a toothy smile, a pink sunset, and no traffic.

I hope it will be a car ride with someone she loves in the passenger seat, windows down, flat terrain, and the Beatles singing "oh that magic feeling, nowhere to go" on the stereo.

I hope it will be a quiet day at home with a purring cat in her lap, a cup of hot tea, sun streaming through the window, and birds singing in the Magnolia tree.

But even if it's a rocky ride, the stereo breaks, or the cat is hissing, I hope she has had enough beautiful moments to get her through it. There is no "right way" or "wrong way" to do it. It'll just happen. And as much as I don't want it to happen, it will.

And she'll find that magic feeling somewhere down the road. Oh, that magic feeling, nowhere to go. Nowhere to go.

Labels: observations

posted by Jennifer at 1/06/2008 03:29:00 PM | 0 comments

I'm still sick. And I'm amazed at the amount of mucus my body is capable of producing. I went to the MinuteClinic today, and the nurse there told me to stay hydrated, do a saline sinus wash (eeew!), and try a nasal spray. I got some nasal spray with camphor and menthol in it, and I've been able to breathe for about 2 hours now. Progress!

Introspection has jumped up and grabbed me by the ears, as it tends to do to people this time of year. Got some news this morning that I don't know how to feel about yet.

iTunes isn't helping. I turned it on random just now, and got some Pedro the Lion, the epitome of mixed emotions... "Priests and Paramedics."

Paramedics brave and strong
Up before the break of dawn
Putting poker faces on
Broken bodies all day long
The neighbors heard a fight
Someone had a knife
It must have have been the wife
Husband's lost a lot of blood
He wakes up screaming
"Oh my God, am I gonna die?
Am I gonna die?"
As they strapped his arms down to his sides
At times like these they'd been taught to lie
"Buddy just calm down, you'll be all right"
Several friends came to his grave
His children were so well-behaved
As the priest got up to speak
The assembly craved relief
But he himself had given up
So instead he offered them this bitter cup
"You're gonna die, we're all gonna die
Could be twenty years, could be tonight
Lately I have been wondering why
We go to so much trouble to postpone the unavoidable
And prolong the pain of being alive"

It's followed on the album Control by a song called "Rejoice," which is a dirge with only a few lyrics:
Wouldn't it be so wonderful
If everything were meaningless?
But everything is so meaningful
And most everything turns to shit.
Rejoice. Rejoice. Rejoice.
Rejoice. Rejoice. Rejoice.

I guess you can see why mixed emotions aren't helping. But the music is so beautiful.

Labels: observations

posted by Jennifer at 1/03/2008 12:58:00 PM | 0 comments

I've discovered that chocolate is just as good as cough syrup for a sore throat. Plus, it's much more delicious. I *knew* I was hoarding those truffles in the cabinet for a good reason.

Sickliness aside, all is well. I have some Xmas photos that I'll put here soon. And we're going camping on January 5th, so photos and a story will probably ensue here. We'll see.

I hope you are enjoying the holidays. I am (aside from getting sick yesterday).

Next year, I think I'll resolve not to get sick. ha!

Speaking of the holidays, I made an lolcat version of our printed holiday cards. I was going to make the printed cards like this, but it was brought to my attention that not everyone is blessed with knowing what lolcats are. (If you're one of these unfortunate souls, click here.)

The printed cards say the same thing, but with correct grammar: "I made you a present, but I ate it." I think the cards next year should focus on Osiris or Kitty's celebration of Boxing Day. I'll probably forget this brilliant idea by next year, though. Ah, well.

Labels: observations, pets, whining

posted by Jennifer at 12/29/2007 06:39:00 PM | 2 comments

You know you've embraced new technology when you're texting and emailing at the same time.

When you're texting and emailing the same person at the same time, though, it's kind of disconcerting.

Labels: observations

posted by Jennifer at 12/10/2007 08:39:00 PM | 2 comments

Jennifer blogs. Randomness ensues.

Selection from First Meetings in Ender's Universe:
"Even people who think they don't want to reproduce still make most of their decisions as if they were active reproducers."

There is great power in faith, even if that faith is based on an idea with no foundation in truth.

I discovered aurgasm.us from Darrell, who discovered it from Lars, who discovered it from who-knows-where. You discovered it from me.

It is a song, the Sumerian "Hymn to Creation," dated before 800 B.C., which is the oldest notated music extant.

Getting cards in the mail makes me happy.

Sometimes, my heart swells with so much love, I fear it could burst. Other times, it shrinks until I fear I will misplace it.

Osiris played in the toilet this morning.

The end (for now).

Labels: literary, observations

posted by Jennifer at 12/08/2007 01:13:00 PM | 0 comments

I haven't been here much lately. I feel like this isn't really my outlet anymore. I've been steadily tucking thoughts away to share here, but then they sink into the abyss that is my mind, never to return.

The dog outside is howling.

I took one of my earrings out this morning. Those of you who know me could probably guess which one. It's the one that's been bothering me for the past 2 years. It's significant for me to remove it, due to its history and the fact that I've never let a piercing grow over before. It feels like I'm giving up, and in a way, I am. Not in a negative way, though.

O'Malley's in my lap purring.

My back has been hurting for the month of October. I broke down and saw a chiropractor, and it's getting better now. When I went in, he felt the tension in my back muscles, and he asked if I was stressed. I told him, "Not that I'm aware of." He looked at me as if he was going to suggest I see a shrink instead of a chiropractor, and I probably would have broken down bawling right there if he had. Which probably would have only reinforced the shrink thought.

All this talk of stress stresses me out.

I have tomorrow and Monday off work. And I know if I don't keep myself busy, I'll end up driving myself crazy thinking of things that shouldn't bother me and random thoughts that sadden me. Maybe it's the change of the seasons, but I've been squarely in the doldrums lately. I wish I could stop and ask someone for directions out.

Crying for no reason only makes me sadder.

My friend Kathy and I visited an iridologist/herbalist this past Monday. It was interesting. He is Amish, so we had to get there by 7:00 a.m. to be fitted into the schedule. And it was an hour drive to get there, and 2 hours home (since we stayed overnight at Kathy's dad's house). The iridologist told me I'm stressed.

Maybe I am stressed.

It's not a matter of needing someone to talk to right now; it's a matter of needing to talk. Or maybe it's a matter of not knowing what to say. "I'm frustrated" seems to be my favorite recurring phrase lately. Or "it frustrates me." Or a combination thereof.

The dog stopped howling.

Labels: observations, self-assessment

posted by Jennifer at 11/08/2007 05:50:00 PM | 2 comments

I've been incognito for a bit, because this was my first week back at my office job. It's a little odd to be back in the little office, but it's nice, too. I've made a few observations the past week, and I figure I'll share.

1.) I miss my cats.

2.) Having a holiday in the middle of your first week at work rocks.

3.) I remember now one of my least favorite parts about working in the office, possibly THE least favorite part: public restrooms make me antsy.

4.) When I sneezed at home, the cats would run and hide. When I sneeze in the office, someone somewhere (no matter how quiet it may be) says, "Bless you!" Someone called me from the front desk yesterday to say it, and I'm all the way down the hall from there. It makes me giggle.

5.) Walking across the Woodland Street Bridge is so relaxing.

6.) Parking for free rocks. However, I need to find somewhere to park my scooter so I can ride it to work.

7.) People have strange phone conversations while walking across the bridge. Yesterday, I overheard a big, burly ghetto-thuggish man YELLING on his cell phone to someone about a mishap he had whilst cooking alfredo. Seriously.

8.) Free hot cocoa in the break room rocks.

9.) I get to eat lunch with Darrell and bombard him with work orders. :^)

10.) I [heart] my iPod.

That's all for now. I'm gonna get back to vegging and being a weekender.

Labels: observations

posted by Jennifer at 7/07/2007 10:00:00 AM | 1 comments

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