Sunday, May 11, 2008

every rose has its thorn

When I was growing up, I went from 4' 10" at 11 years old to 5' 7" by 13. The realization randomly dawned on me the other day about why I longed to be short. Short, thin girls are sometimes perceived as being less powerful than taller girls. This lack of control would have more aptly fit me in my teenage years; it possibly would more aptly fit me still. If nothing else, it would have given me something to secretly attribute it to. I grew into the tall, thin, 5' 9" girl I am today. Some days, I feel beautiful, vibrant, healthy, and lithe. Other days, I feel lanky, weak, sallow, and bony.

While riding the other day, the thought occurred to me that I don't have to feel those negative things, if I would only reinforce the positive thoughts when the negative ones creep in. Tears came to me with this, as I know sometimes I need the negatives to feel the positives. Plus, it just isn't so simple.

Trying to find that perfect balance of necessary control versus happy chaos is not an easy thing to do. Some people grab onto the control more easily, and others prefer to let the chaos take over. I've dappled in both, and I want the middle-ground. Is there a middle-ground?

That may be what is making it so hard for her now. She is losing the balance she has found of control versus chaos, and I have a feeling hers leaned more toward control than otherwise. She knows she will leave behind everything and everyone she has worked so hard to gather, grow, and tend to. And the physical pain is not going away anymore, though she is holding on longer than we were told to expect. Acceptance of those things is surely not an easy thing for her; they are things she may possibly never accept. And yet, today, we will wish her a happy Mother's Day. How can it possibly be happy? That is not for me to understand. I can only wish her happiness - today and every day she has left, however long that may be - and know that it is possible, even if I have no control over it.

What I do have control over is what I do with my Sunday. And I am thankful for being able to spend it with someone I love. That, and the warm, snuggly cats in my lap.


posted by Jennifer at 5/11/2008 08:20:00 AM

Post a Comment

<< Home