Sunday, March 15, 2009

I know I said it wrong

I haven't been here since December. December... just lost O'Malley-san, had our first motherless Xmases, welcomed in the new year only in hopes that it would be better than the last.

So far, it's close to par, but 2009 has a built-in advantage in comparison with this time last year. This time last year, we were coping with Darrell's mother's illness that she wouldn't let anyone help with, and Darrell was recovering from having a metal rod removed from his leg. At least everyone we know is in good health, which is actually a very big advantage when I dwell on the thought.

We're still not through with Darrell's mother's house. It's getting there, though... just not as quickly as I'd hoped.

I still cry a lot. Tears come when all I do is think about trying not to cry. Sometimes they just come.

We got a new kitty Wednesday. His name is Biscuits, and he's adorable. He's the most well-behaved, laid back kitten I've ever met. We joke that he's channeling the spirit of O'Malley. He is a great little cat, and I'm sure that Osiris and Kitty will realize that soon.

I've distanced myself a lot from everyone except Darrell and my close family lately. I am not sure why, but it may be because I don't know if I can handle anyone else's traumas right now, plus I can't explain how I feel to anyone else who hasn't directly experienced what I've been through in the past year.

I'll try to explain here, in a nutshell.

Losing Darrell's mom hurt on many levels. There was the hurt of losing her, missing her, feeling like I didn't have time to get to know her. Then, there was the hurt of having her be angry at me and everyone around her, lashing out, verbally slapping everyone in the face. There was the pain of separation from his family, the frustration at everyone being angry at each other, knowing it all could fall apart any second like a house of cards. There was finding homes for her sweet kitty and confused bird. Then, the cards fell down, and there was the pain of the small bond - the start of friendship - that I thought I had with ones I loved. The frustration is still left now, but it'll pass. At least it feels like the worst is over, and it's just a matter of picking up the pieces and putting (throwing) them away.

Losing Mother hurts still. The worst part was learning she was sick, because it was then that I had to prepare for losing her. I didn't know it would happen so quickly. Father is coping the best he can, and he's faring really well. Christopher doesn't talk about it much. I am trying to help however I can. I don't know why I cry about it so much... I guess I just plain miss her.

Losing O'Malley was the hardest thing I've had to do. Learning he was sick at the same time that I learned Mother was sick left me in almost a state of disbelief. I loved that little orange cat so much. I would have done ANYTHING for him. If I'd thought surgery or alternative medicine or standing on my head and whistling "Dixie" day and night would have helped, I would have gone to the moon and back for that cat. In the end, we did have to do the hardest thing in the world for him... we had to have him put to sleep. It was the right thing to do, but why is the right thing absolute torture sometimes?

Now, work is hell on Darrell, and his hell is mine. I hope it eases up on him soon. Stress like this is too much for anyone to take.

Me? I'll be okay. It will just take time. It seems that we have little of it these days, but the fact is that's all that's guaranteed lately... time. Time will pass. Days, weeks, months, years.

Where I'll be at the end of them will be due in large part to wherever time would like to take me. I've given up trying to control anything lately.

That said, here's some pictures of the cats: Osiris being displeased, Kitty being inquisitive, and Biscuits being cute.

Osiris-displeased Kitty-inquisitive Biscuits-cute

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posted by Jennifer at 3/15/2009 09:47:00 AM

Blogger golriz said...

i'm so glad you have your kitties to snuggle with. biscuit is the PERFECT name :)

3/17/2009 10:46:00 PM  

Blogger Penny said...

I'm so happy that you posted, Jenn. I'm also so sad for your losses. You explained yourself perfectly, I think.

"...but why is the right thing absolute torture sometimes?"

I wish I could tell you, Jenn.

You are in my prayers. Many blessings for a much better year, filled with love and healing.


3/21/2009 09:22:00 AM  

Blogger Jennifer said...

Golriz - I am grateful for my furry kiddos. :^)

Penny - Thanks for catching the post... It's been a while, eh? Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts.

3/23/2009 05:04:00 PM  

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