I am Jennifer.

I have determined that my Cranky Face is on today.

I'm not fond of my Cranky Face.

Too many things get under my skin. I can't decide if I need thicker skin or quarantine.

Maybe quarantine is what I've got now that I'm home, just me and the cats for a few days. If so, I'm doubting this is really what I need.

My eyes have this really annoying habit of burning when I randomly tear up lately. Maybe my tears are overly salty or something. It isn't pleasant. I feel salty.

I'm not pleasant. I need a break. I want to know when it's my turn to play instead of sitting by the sidelines.

The Fall is coming, and I used to love the Fall, but now I dread it. A little hint of cooler weather today made me cringe, though it seemed to put a little bounce in everyone else's step. I'm still wondering where my Spring went, and it's already almost Fall.

We need passports.

Labels: whining

posted by Jennifer at 8/24/2009 07:52:00 PM | 0 comments

I'd like to know where my life went and how to get it back, please.

Labels: whining

posted by Jennifer at 8/05/2009 07:31:00 PM | 1 comments

Multi-scheduling never works like it should for me. Ideally, this morning, I would pick Biscuits up at 8:00, get him settled in, do some chores between 9:00 and 10:00, get a sofa delivered between 10:00 and 11:00, and then head into work.

Now, the sofa's scheduled for between 11:00 and 1:00, which is news to me. Gah. So, that puts me to work late, which puts me even more behind for the rest of the week there.

I guess I should just enjoy the time at home and be thankful that Biscuits is fine. (He got neutered yesterday.)

This weekend, I'll get to spend some time with family and my buddy Brianne in Chattanooga. I'm looking forward to that. I'll probably find some embarrassing high school stuff leftover in my old bedroom, which I might post here if it's amusing enough.

And now I'll share some photos to try to get back into a good frame of mind... :^)

Labels: pets, photos, whining

posted by Jennifer at 4/07/2009 09:13:00 AM | 0 comments

It's beautiful outside. It should be putting a spring in my step, but this damnable stomach bug has my digestiveness all wonky. I feel like I'm hungry all the time, but when I try to eat, I usually can't finish. It's heartburn, I know, but I just want to feel well again.

And then I think of my mom. She puked every day at least once a day for the last 2 months she lived. And she still smiled when I saw her. She still laughed when someone told a joke. She still answered the phone when people called.

I don't even have the strength to keep my chin up through a measly stomach bug.

And why is it that today, I can't get over feeling like the kid that was always picked last for dodgeball? Granted, it could have something to do with having always been the kid that was picked last for dodgeball, but I never even liked dodgeball anyway...

I've decided I don't like online social networking any more than I like true-to-life social networking. That could be why no one but people googling obscure David Bowie songs and "pointy tailbone" are mostly who visits here. Not to say I don't appreciate the few who have stuck it out with me here. It's just a little like shouting into the dark.

But that seems to be just what I need sometimes.

Labels: observations, whining

posted by Jennifer at 3/23/2009 04:53:00 PM | 0 comments

I wish I could go through one day – two in a row would be spectacular – without crying. I wish I could talk about things that get under my skin without crying. I wish I could just walk to my car or drive home without crying. I am so tired of the tears soaking my hands and my clothes, my eyes burning, my face tightening when I try to stop it, and my breath catching in the cold air.

I just don't want to go through it all every single day.

Is that too much to ask?

But I don't know how to begin to make anything better.

Part of me is excited about the holidays getting here, but the other part is dreading it deeply. All the people, the money, the waste, the empty spaces that our mothers once filled... I wish I could stop the calendar until I'm ready for it to be here. But when will I be prepared for it? Maybe I should instead wish for it to come faster so it will be over with. Though, I should just let things happen at their own pace and try to see the brighter side... the music, the family we do still have with us, the gift-giving, the food.

I should talk about it more, but I don't see what purpose it would serve. I can't even form my thoughts into written words, needless express them verbally.

It seems pointless to even try anymore.

Is this normal? When will it stop? When can I live again? Why do I just sit and cry about it when it only makes me feel worse? Is it the loss that's causing me to feel this way? Is it something else? Is it O'Malley? Is it me? Am I warped in ways other than the obvious?

I want to stop writing now.

That is at least one thing I can control.

Labels: whining

posted by Jennifer at 11/19/2008 05:33:00 PM | 2 comments

Another emotional ride home has left me wondering why I am inconsolable. What would make be happy at this point? What would bring me satisfaction, contentment, and pleasure? If I knew, I'm sure I would be happy. I would already be satisfied, content, and pleased.

Trouble is, I don't know. Maybe I need a phase of dissatisfaction to know satisfaction more fully when it gets here.

I wore my sparkly shoes today. I do enjoy my sparkly shoes.

I had City Wraps for lunch. I do enjoy City Wraps.

I had lunch with Darrell. I do enjoy lunching with Darrell.

I accomplished some things at work with minimal strife. I do enjoy that.

So, I should be pleased with my day.

I need to find joy in day-to-day things again, but I'm not sure how I lost it. It's easier to find things when you know where you lost them. But I'll keep looking.

Labels: self-assessment, whining

posted by Jennifer at 7/29/2008 04:35:00 PM | 2 comments

It's depressing as hell when I find myself sitting in complete silence with my fingertips pressed firmly against the center of my forehead, thinking of everything I should be doing at the moment, but not wanting to do any of them.

Thinking of how I just want everything to calm down and go back to "normal," whatever that is. I'm not sure I know; I'm not sure things have ever been normal, or if I really want things that way. I just want peace.

All that being said, things are pretty damn good. It's kind of like one of my favorite lyrics, "I wish I never saw the sunshine... then maybe I wouldn't mind the rain." I want the sunshine. So to speak.

And then, I'd probably complain that it's too friggin' hot. If that's possible for me and my cold-natured self.

Whatever that means.

Labels: whining

posted by Jennifer at 5/30/2008 07:15:00 PM | 0 comments

While I'm sickly, I feel like ranting. I am tired of pseudo-Christian bigots around here giving everyone their two cents about politics. If your decision about who to vote for is based entirely around ethnicity, please keep your opinion to yourself. Expressing it only proves to everyone what a racist zealot you are.

That was nice.

Moving on. I am sick again. Again. I think I will sequester myself in my house for the next year, so I will not come in contact with anyone else's germs. Or maybe I should invest in a giant plastic bubble. This is reason #462 to explore the option of human hibernation.

I have two snugly tabby cats in my lap. Life isn't really so bad, after all.

I just learned that "snugly" only has one "g." Go figure. I like it better with two.

In my Widget thesaurus, the word "zealot" could be interchangeable with the following: fanatic, enthusiast, extremist, radical, diehard, true believer, activist, militant, bigot, dogmatist, sectarian, partisan, fiend, maniac, ultra, nut, eager beaver. Is it just me, or is it ironic to find the terms "true believer," "bigot," and "nut" in the same entry?

I'm moving on now. Really.

Or maybe not.

Trouble is, people fear the concept of and the word "change." But if we never change, we are useless. We're backwoods and bigoted. We're fearful and intolerant. The lack of change inhibits evolution and progress.

If this country never changed, slavery would never have been abolished, women would have no voting rights, and – delving back to the very beginnings – we'd never have established independence from Britain in the first place. Now, we face a new set of issues. And no matter which of these you see as most important, nothing matters more than the fact that we must change. We must improve. Greatness is nothing without constant change, progress, and improvement.

Vote for who you feel is best, and keep the bigotry to yourself. It isn't flattering.

And another note, I am sick of people saying that if you don't like this country to go live somewhere else. If you don't like this country, change this country; make it a better place. Make the rest of the world stop seeing us as modern-day Nazi, gung-ho, fundamentalist, egocentric assholes. (It might be a stretch for those of us who are modern-day Nazi, gung-ho, fundamentalist, egocentric assholes to counter that impression, but that is part of what I mean by change being a good thing.)

Rant over.

Labels: whining

posted by Jennifer at 3/14/2008 12:12:00 PM | 2 comments

Of all nights to be alone, there's this one.

I'm not sure how to express it, and the iceberg peeked out today, although the iceberg is melting steadily, I assure you. But it's lingering with me, and I feel the need to dig the splinter out before it festers.

I'm mixing metaphors already. That's a bad sign.

The trouble is, I'm too damn nice. It's a hereditary affliction that I typically don't mind. There have been times when I've embraced it, even. But not now. Right now, I am tired of taking any shit. I want to speak my mind.

What kind of person feels no basic human compassion for someone who is dealing with the trauma of their mother dying of a vicious, painful, god-forsaken disease. You know that phrase "I wouldn't wish this on my worse enemy." Yeah, that one? That should be applicable here.

Not that anyone has wished this on anyone. But the lack of a response to being told someone is going through something like this implies that lack of compassion. It's as if someone says, "How are you doing?" and the response is, "Not well," and then the only feedback is, "Oh, how wonderful!"

Basically. It's implied. And I don't want to dignify it with a response. But I pretty much am doing just that here, aren't I?

But I know confrontation will solve no problems here. It will only make me feel worse knowing I tried and failed to make this person understand what I mean. And I'm not big on failure.

Yeah, I'm working on that. Really. I just can't cope with it right now. I'm not very strong lately - mentally and emotionally - and I'm not afraid to admit it to anyone it may concern.

This one more thing to help me know I made the right decision two years ago. But why does it still hurt so much? I guess it's because I know that I made no impact on this person whatsoever. If any softness remained in their heart, it is now either gone or buried.

Basic. Human. Compassion.

ba·sic – adjective – of, pertaining to, or forming a base; fundamental
hu·man – adjective – of, pertaining to, characteristic of, or having the nature of people; sympathetic; humane
com·pas·sion – noun – a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering

Telling this to my friends that typically come here is simply ranting. I assure you, you are being compassionate and helping by just being here and saying hi now and then. Please don't interpret this as anything other than what it is - a personal diatribe. I'm moving on. Really. I'm just pissed at myself for not being able to be strong and confrontational. And for not being smart enough to figure out a way to solve my problems. And for crying over something this stupid and insignificant.

Last night, I had a nightmare that I had to redo my wedding. I kept running away, and friends and family kept coming and finding me and dragging me back, telling me I had to go through with it. They kept telling me I couldn't get away from it. Ever. When I was a little girl, I never dreamed my wedding would become a nightmare, literally speaking. Weddings are supposed to be the happiest days of lives. I guess many factors fueled my dream to crop up when it did, but maybe I'm trying to tell myself something. Or cope with something I haven't come to terms with yet. I'm not sure.

All this to say, I need sleep.

Labels: whining

posted by Jennifer at 2/05/2008 07:23:00 PM | 0 comments

I've discovered that chocolate is just as good as cough syrup for a sore throat. Plus, it's much more delicious. I *knew* I was hoarding those truffles in the cabinet for a good reason.

Sickliness aside, all is well. I have some Xmas photos that I'll put here soon. And we're going camping on January 5th, so photos and a story will probably ensue here. We'll see.

I hope you are enjoying the holidays. I am (aside from getting sick yesterday).

Next year, I think I'll resolve not to get sick. ha!

Speaking of the holidays, I made an lolcat version of our printed holiday cards. I was going to make the printed cards like this, but it was brought to my attention that not everyone is blessed with knowing what lolcats are. (If you're one of these unfortunate souls, click here.)

The printed cards say the same thing, but with correct grammar: "I made you a present, but I ate it." I think the cards next year should focus on Osiris or Kitty's celebration of Boxing Day. I'll probably forget this brilliant idea by next year, though. Ah, well.

Labels: observations, pets, whining

posted by Jennifer at 12/29/2007 06:39:00 PM | 2 comments

I threw my back/neck out a couple weekends ago, and I've been in progressively worse discomfort that ranges from tightness to outright misery since.

I've been sitting around feeling sorry for myself all day. Laundry needs to be washed, the house needs to be vacuumed, dishes need to be put away, and now Darrell will do it all for us, because I overworked myself. It's not fair to him. He's so good to me to take care of me and the house, though. I appreciate all he does. I'm just pissed at myself for being unable to help.

I just want to feel better.

And all it seems I can do till then is sit. And try not to be impatient or upset, because that just makes it worse. I get all agitated, and I can feel everything tensing up, and I know I just need to take a deep breath and stop worrying about it, but all I can do is concentrate on it more.

It's mighty cyclical.

Labels: whining

posted by Jennifer at 10/21/2007 11:16:00 AM | 2 comments

I didn't wake up until almost noon today.

I've been sitting in my underwear on the computer since.

I'm slowly transforming into an amalgam of Leeroy Jenkins and Al Bundy.

I gotta get out of the house.

At least I shaved my legs yesterday; that's progress, right?

Labels: whining

posted by Jennifer at 10/14/2007 10:43:00 AM | 2 comments

Buying a house. Working. Getting my motorcycle license. Working. Home inspection. Working. A new family member arriving this week. Working. Tax records for mortgage. Working.

And I found out this morning that I need to add "Dealing with credit card account number theft" to my to-do list.

At least I caught it early, but only because the person with my card number is an idiot. Thank goodness.

Labels: whining

posted by Jennifer at 6/13/2007 10:26:00 AM | 0 comments

Today should have been my productive day. I was planning all last week for this to be my super-productive git-'r-done day.

As you've probably guessed, today was not my super-productive day.

As you've probably also guessed, I'm not happy about that.

(You're such a smart cookie.)

Today was my do-it-then-do-it-again and again and again day. In honor of the occasion, it was also my wait day. Wait and wait and wait.

Lots of repetition today.

The only thing I like to repeat over and over is consuming chocolate. Or cake.

Dammit.

Labels: whining

posted by Jennifer at 4/09/2007 02:07:00 PM | 3 comments

Things I've been dismissing as irrational thought turn out to be totally rational sometimes. And then, they get angry with me for dismissing them. What else have I been dismissing?

It feels like I sorted through it all last night. I drug everything out, and put everything back. The more I dismiss it, the more it will hurt later if it turns out to be true. But I can't stand the thought or the process of validating anything else. I can't take the thought that it all could be true. All my random paranoid thoughts could be true. The smiles really are veils sometimes. I really am as disgusting as I feel. People do know things I don't and look at me as naive for that. People look at me and think, "You silly girl. You don't even know the half of it." I don't have all the facts. Never-mind that they were not given to me. The trouble is I never sought them out. I was wrong.

And no matter how I try to tell myself that it's okay and that everyone's wrong from time to time, the fact still remains that I hate it when I'm wrong. You're probably thinking I'm childish for that, and you're probably right. I hate that, too.

(Everything's okay. It's not as bad as it might sound. I'm just having a pity party, and it will pass once I sort it all out in my head.)

Labels: self-assessment, whining

posted by Jennifer at 3/01/2007 08:03:00 AM | 0 comments

Yesterday, I awoke with stabbing pain in my lower right abdomen. I told myself if it persisted for over an hour, I'd call the doctor. An hour and a half later, I made the call.

I went in for the exam and listed off all my symptoms: the aforementioned stabbing pain, my period had started that morning almost a week late, and the lack of fever or nausea. They ran a pregnancy test just to be sure (despite my surgery last year), and they took a blood test, just to be extra sure. The doctor did an examination. They determined that I have an ovarian cyst. Not the scary kind, though... it should be gone by tomorrow morning.

So, yesterday, I rested. All day, I rested. And I read Go Ask Alice front to back. It's a short read (obviously). It was pretty good, aside from the Epilogue. Here are three excerpts:

This morning I looked out the window and saw new green popping through the soil and I started crying uncontrollably again. I don't really understand the resurrection. I can't even conceive how Gramps' body which will decay and sour and mold and mildew and fall into crumbling little bits can ever come back together again. But I can't understand how a brown dried-up, shriveled little gladiola bulb can reblossom either. I guess that God can put atoms and molecules and bodies together again if a gladiola bulb without even a brain can do it.

I truly must have lost my mind or at least control of it, for I have just tried to pray. I wanted to ask God to help me but I could utter only words, dark, useless words which fell on the floor beside me and rolled off into the corners and underneath the bed.

Everybody smokes here and the halls are filled with fumes and gray circling smoke, there isn't even anywhere for it to go. It seems as trapped and confused as the patients.

And since I couldn't manage to do much else yesterday, I took an online quiz thingy. This one was to determine my primary Love Language (based on the studies of Dr. Gary Chapman). Turns out, I've changed since I last read the book... I was never much of a Physical Touch kind of person until lately. Now, my usual Acts of Service is on par with Physical Touch. I'm getting more lovey and less cynical. It's a welcomed change.

My primary love languages are probably
Acts of Service and Physical Touch.

Complete set of results
Acts of Service: 8
Physical Touch: 8
Quality Time: 6
Receiving Gifts: 6
Words of Affirmation: 2

Information: Unhappiness in relationships, according to Dr. Gary Chapman, is often due to the fact that we speak different love languages. Sometimes we don't understand our partner's requirements, or even our own. We all have a "love tank" that needs to be filled in order for us to express love to others, but there are different means by which our tank can be filled, and there are different ways that we can express love to others. Take the quiz

Today, I'm still resting and doped up. I'm so stir-crazy. But, hopefully, I'll be back to myself soon.

Labels: general, literary, quizzes, whining

posted by Jennifer at 12/29/2006 11:52:00 AM | 3 comments

I'm having a rough week. Thank you guys for your pleasantries. I do appreciate it.

Bear with me, and I might be able to make a semi-intelligible post.

As one who has never experienced the trauma of unintended sleeplessness until recently, I'm not enjoying it. Even when I've been surrounded by total chaos, pain, and sadness, I've still been able to lay my exhausted body down to sleep for hours on end.

But since Sunday night, I've been having trouble. Granted, I drank too much coffee on Sunday, but still, I just couldn't sleep. Monday wasn't much better. Today, I woke up at 5:30 a.m.

Granted, too, I've been upset. Words crawl under my skin, lay eggs, and they're hatching now into sadness. Hopefully, I can terminate them before they reach maturity and proliferate.

I should be working. I should be making/ordering Christmas presents. I should be raking and bagging leaves. I should be doing something constructive. I should be sleeping. And all I'm doing is sitting here talking about it.

Labels: procrastination, whining

posted by Jennifer at 11/08/2006 02:03:00 PM | 2 comments

Someone please tell me something nice.

No, I'm really not a compliment whore. Just something nice, anything nice will suffice. Like, "I was happy today." Or "I've had a good hair day today." Or something.

Please.

Labels: whining

posted by Jennifer at 11/07/2006 01:47:00 PM | 4 comments

My email to Hewlett-Packard tech support:

webform_submit_time : Thu Oct 19 12:30:55 EDT 2006
problem_area : color and print quality problems
model_number : Deskjet 1220C
problem_description : Print outs (color and grayscale) output with ink spots all over them. The last 11" x 17" print had at least 10 orange spots randomly scattered over it. The spots are approximately .125" to .25" in diameter, and they are usually bright orange or magenta. The printer has done this sporatically since I've had it, but it is getting worse as it gets older.
trouble_shooting : I have tried aligning and cleaning the cartridges, with no results. Also, I recently purchased new color and black cartridges. The black cartridge is approximately 1 month old, and the color cartridge is approximately 1 week old.
setting_changes : Nothing has changed, however, the printer has always sporatically misbehaved, just not to this extent.
tech_skill : intermediate

H-P's response? Read on...

Hello Jennifer,
I understand your D1311 is printing color spots on your print outs. The D1311 does not support 11 X 17 the largest paper supported is 8 X 10
Thank you for contacting HP Total Care.
This should resolve the issue. If you need further assistance, please reply to this message and we will be happy to assist you further.

HOW THE FUCK does this resolve my issue? Hi, I know you said you are having trouble with your 1220C, and you specifically mentioned a problem on your latest print which happened to be on 11" x 17" paper... BUT this other model of printer - which you do not even own, by the way - does not print 11" x 17."

What the hell?

That's like me saying, "Hi, I'm having trouble driving my car, because the front driver side tire is flat. Would you please help me air it up?" And then, you say, "Well, motorcycles don't have driver-side tires. They only have two tires. Have a nice day!"

::shakes head in disappointment::

At least I didn't tell them my tech skill was advanced. Their response would have probably been WAY over my head, then. ha!

Labels: stories, whining

posted by Jennifer at 10/24/2006 07:35:00 PM | 1 comments

I have a lot to say, but I don't want to say it here.

I guess that's what happens when too many identifiable eyes are looking.

Any suggestions on regaining my anonymity? Surely it can be regained. That's the beauty of anonymity, right?

Until then, that's what a good old-fashioned pen and paper are for, I suppose.

I need a hug. Dammit.

Labels: whining

posted by Jennifer at 9/19/2006 08:39:00 AM | 8 comments

About Me