Things I've been dismissing as irrational thought turn out to be totally rational sometimes. And then, they get angry with me for dismissing them. What else have I been dismissing?
It feels like I sorted through it all last night. I drug everything out, and put everything back. The more I dismiss it, the more it will hurt later if it turns out to be true. But I can't stand the thought or the process of validating anything else. I can't take the thought that it all could be true. All my random paranoid thoughts could be true. The smiles really are veils sometimes. I really am as disgusting as I feel. People do know things I don't and look at me as naive for that. People look at me and think, "You silly girl. You don't even know the half of it." I don't have all the facts. Never-mind that they were not given to me. The trouble is I never sought them out. I was wrong.
And no matter how I try to tell myself that it's okay and that everyone's wrong from time to time, the fact still remains that I hate it when I'm wrong. You're probably thinking I'm childish for that, and you're probably right. I hate that, too.
(Everything's okay. It's not as bad as it might sound. I'm just having a pity party, and it will pass once I sort it all out in my head.)
Labels: self-assessment, whining
posted by Jennifer at 3/01/2007 08:03:00 AM