Tuesday, February 27, 2007

up against the stone and steel

It's been one of those days.

And if you don't know what I mean by "those," I'll explain.

It's up and down. Quickly up, quickly down. Laughing, crying. Wistful, doomed. Motivated, crashing. Working, breaking.

I thought that today I might write about something that makes me happy. And then I realized that it would only be half of it. The bright side of the moon, if you will. Which of course made me think of the dark side, too.

And I tend to avoid thinking of this. So, when I do think of it, it comes rushing in so quickly that I can't ignore it. It's opening a door to the cold in a heated room that normally only has a few chilly leaks in the window panes. Even though the door is closed again, the cold still lingers. It slides along the floor for hours until the heat wins it back over.

If anyone asks me how I'm doing, I tuck my icy feet underneath me and say that I'm cozy. I'm warm. I'm fine. I smile to reinforce this. And, I truly am fine. I'm not lying. I'm not pretending like I once did.

But I'm scared like hell that I will.

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posted by Jennifer at 2/27/2007 03:07:00 PM

Blogger Penny said...

I know of just what you speak.

Rapid cycling.

Neuroticism and anxiety always in the wings.

Joy is true but fleeting soley because it is true and fleeting.

You have my prayers, that you will be able to enjoy the moments and have the faith and strength to let them go, Jen. They'll be back.

2/28/2007 01:16:00 PM  

Blogger Jennifer said...

Thank you, Penny. Your kind words help immensely.

3/01/2007 08:08:00 AM  

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