Tuesday, February 05, 2008

those days are gone

Of all nights to be alone, there's this one.

I'm not sure how to express it, and the iceberg peeked out today, although the iceberg is melting steadily, I assure you. But it's lingering with me, and I feel the need to dig the splinter out before it festers.

I'm mixing metaphors already. That's a bad sign.

The trouble is, I'm too damn nice. It's a hereditary affliction that I typically don't mind. There have been times when I've embraced it, even. But not now. Right now, I am tired of taking any shit. I want to speak my mind.

What kind of person feels no basic human compassion for someone who is dealing with the trauma of their mother dying of a vicious, painful, god-forsaken disease. You know that phrase "I wouldn't wish this on my worse enemy." Yeah, that one? That should be applicable here.

Not that anyone has wished this on anyone. But the lack of a response to being told someone is going through something like this implies that lack of compassion. It's as if someone says, "How are you doing?" and the response is, "Not well," and then the only feedback is, "Oh, how wonderful!"

Basically. It's implied. And I don't want to dignify it with a response. But I pretty much am doing just that here, aren't I?

But I know confrontation will solve no problems here. It will only make me feel worse knowing I tried and failed to make this person understand what I mean. And I'm not big on failure.

Yeah, I'm working on that. Really. I just can't cope with it right now. I'm not very strong lately - mentally and emotionally - and I'm not afraid to admit it to anyone it may concern.

This one more thing to help me know I made the right decision two years ago. But why does it still hurt so much? I guess it's because I know that I made no impact on this person whatsoever. If any softness remained in their heart, it is now either gone or buried.

Basic. Human. Compassion.

ba·sicadjective – of, pertaining to, or forming a base; fundamental
hu·manadjective – of, pertaining to, characteristic of, or having the nature of people; sympathetic; humane
com·pas·sionnoun – a feeling of deep sympathy and sorrow for another who is stricken by misfortune, accompanied by a strong desire to alleviate the suffering

Telling this to my friends that typically come here is simply ranting. I assure you, you are being compassionate and helping by just being here and saying hi now and then. Please don't interpret this as anything other than what it is - a personal diatribe. I'm moving on. Really. I'm just pissed at myself for not being able to be strong and confrontational. And for not being smart enough to figure out a way to solve my problems. And for crying over something this stupid and insignificant.

Last night, I had a nightmare that I had to redo my wedding. I kept running away, and friends and family kept coming and finding me and dragging me back, telling me I had to go through with it. They kept telling me I couldn't get away from it. Ever. When I was a little girl, I never dreamed my wedding would become a nightmare, literally speaking. Weddings are supposed to be the happiest days of lives. I guess many factors fueled my dream to crop up when it did, but maybe I'm trying to tell myself something. Or cope with something I haven't come to terms with yet. I'm not sure.

All this to say, I need sleep.


posted by Jennifer at 2/05/2008 07:23:00 PM

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