Friday, April 15, 2005

100 things about Jennifer

100 Things About Jennifer:
1. My middle name is Paulette, which is my mother's name. My mother was named after her father, Paul. They wanted a Paul, Jr. They settled for a Paulette.
2. I have one sibling, my brother, Christopher Paul.
3. Christopher and I made my parents' lives a living hell for 17 years.
4. I am not having children.
5. Children tend to either love me or hate me. They scare me.
6. People, in general, scare me.
7. I have very few close friends.
8. If I make friends with you, it is hard to get rid of me.
9. I realize that you don't always have to like someone you love.
10. When put into the predicament of choosing to be a bitch or a doormat, I am almost always the doormat.
11. I don't enjoy being the doormat.
12. My lack of social skills became evident when I started elementary school. Unable to make friends (after repeated attempts), I would sit and look for 4-leaf clovers during recess.
13. I have a HUGE collection of pressed 4-leaf (and 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9-leaf) clovers.
14. Once, I pretended to shoot myself in the head - using my hand as the gun - in line on the way in from recess when I was in Kindergarten. No one paid any attention.
15. In seventh grade, I wrote a note to a friend about "10 people I would kill and how I would kill them," which fell out of her pocket on the bus. The bus driver found it, and boy, did they pay attention to that.
16. I never liked my middle school guidance counsellor. She had no sense of humor.
17. In high school, the guidance counsellor refused to put me in art class. She said I only wanted to goof off with my friends.
18. I graduated from college with a Bachelor's in Fine Art, no thanks to her.
19. Most of my college was paid for with a full scholarship. I had to pay $800-something for my last 2 classes, because I didn't want to cram them all in to 8 semesters.
20. I'm an overachieving perfectionist. It makes life very difficult.
21. I'm also a champion procrastinator.
22. I'm procrastinating right this very minute.
23. Now, I see why people normally write these lists in little chunks instead of all at once.
24. I don't write very well.
25. Not to be cocky, but I draw and paint well, I think.
26. One of my English professors once told me to never say "I think" or "I would say" in my writing. She said it is implied that IS what you think, otherwise you wouldn't have made the statement. I think she was right. See? Saying "She was right" would have sounded much more certain.
27. I tend to sound hesitant.
28. When I talk, I can't gauge my volume well. I end up nearly whispering or being obnoxiously loud.
29. Usually when I'm nearly whispering, it feels like I'm being obnoxiously loud.
30. I don't like to go new places or see new people by myself. It makes me nervous.
31. When I first meet people, I assume they don't like me.
32. When people first meet me, they usually like me. I just have some sort of complex.
33. Animals like me. And the feeling is mutual.
34. I give treats to my friends' pug every time I see him, so that he will eventually salivate at the sight of me.
35. I once hugged this pug immediately after giving him a treat. He growled at me, because he thought I was trying to take his treat away. He got scolded for growling, and my friends took his treat away. He looked up at me with his big, buggy, brown eyes like "why did you get me in trouble?" and I broke down crying. I cried all the way home - about a 20 minute drive.
36. I get very emotional sometimes.
37. I cry when I'm angry, sad, nostalgic, overjoyed, embarrassed... and the list goes on and on.
38. I cried yesterday.
39. When I'm very sad, I feel dull, aching pain that courses from my heart through my arms and out of my fingertips and palms. It's almost like my palms and fingertips are radiating with sadness. I think of it in my head as the Feeling of Infinite Sadness.
40. My Feeling of Infinite Sadness is not truly infinite, thankfully.
41. I used to cut my arms, hands, or fingers when I had this Feeling. It was as if it released the Sadness.
42. I once put a cigarette out in my left palm outside my dormitory.
43. I've never been to a Palm Reader, mostly because I know he/she will see this scar and make some snap judgments about me. Plus, I'm too cheap to go to a Palm Reader.
44. I'm very thrifty.
45. I rarely ever buy things for myself at full price - even if I really, really want it.
46. I will pay full price for gifts.
47. I enjoy sending cards to people, and I take a long time to pick or make the perfect card.
48. I also enjoy counted cross-stitching and crossword puzzles.
49. I cross-stitch well, but I cannot do embroidery, because I've never been able to make a French knot.
50. I also cannot crochet, despite several valiant attempts.
51. I've never attempted to knit.
52. I got a sewing machine for Xmas 2004, but I'm not going to learn to use it till I have time to actually make things with it. Otherwise, it will only be another tool of procrastination.
53. Part of me thinks my tendency to procrastinate is driven by a deep-seated fear of failure.
54. The other part of me thinks I'm just plain lazy.
55. I'm getting the feeling as I'm writing this that I'm having a conversation with a very quiet person who never butts in to change the train of thought. They're just nodding and making little "uh-hum" sounds as I go. It's quite disconcerting.
56. I have conversations with my cats. Sometimes these conversations are in English, and other times, they're in cat-speak.
57. Some people I'm crazy when I talk to the cats. I think I'm perfectly sane.
58. Michael always said he would divorce me (or so he says) if I dress up the cats in little people clothes.
59. He could dress up the cats all he wanted.
60. My cats have never been abused.
61. I have trouble with communication in general, but I communicate best usually with men.
62. I flirt upon occasion, but nothing will ever come of it.
63. I have had a crush on Conan O'Brien for over 10 years.
64. My "type" is tall, geeky, intelligent, cynical, sarcastic, and just plain weird.
65. Every guy I've ever dated (including the one I married) was/is into video games. This is pure coincidence.
66. I suck at video games that require any level of hand-eye coordination.
67. I love Yahtzee.
68. I love the sound of the dice rolling in the little plastic Yahtzee cup.
69. I sit in silence a lot.
70. I'm not sure if I like sitting in silence or not.
71. My car radio once got "stolen," and it felt strange to ride in the silence with no radio. This is the only time being in silence has felt wrong.
72. I put "stolen" in quotes, because it wasn't actually stolen. The punks just ripped the face off the stereo. I found the stereo face under the driver seat a few days later. It still worked, though it was never intended to be a detachable-face radio.
73. Once, in fourth or fifth grade, a kid tried to steal my colored pencils. It pissed me off, and I got them back. They were nice colored pencils with erasers. I still have them.
74. A girl once pushed me off the top of the bleachers in seventh or eighth grade. I never told my parents about it.
75. The person I thought of as my "best friend" at the time watched this girl push me off the bleachers, and said nothing to her about it. A little, tiny girl named Shuarita spoke up for me and told that bitch to lay off. I'm glad, because it hurt to fall off the top of the bleachers onto the concrete floor. I didn't want to be pushed off again.
76. Shuarita got pregnant right out of high school. A couple of my friends got pregnant during or right after their senior year. It felt like they were strangers after they had their babies.
77. One of my friends who had a baby right after school accused me of sleeping with her husband. I never slept with her husband, nor did I do anything out of line with her husband.
78. I've since forgiven her.
79. Forgiveness is a beautiful thing. I try to practice it whenever I can.
80. Forgiving and forgetting, though, is beyond me. I've never been able to forget.
81. There are things I have forgotten involuntarily due to some dappling in drugs. I like to think the things I've forgotten are things I would not want to remember anyhow.
82. I've smoked pot.
83. I've dropped acid.
84. I smoked cigarettes for about 3 years, though I've never confessed to this to my parents. They would be disappointed in me.
85. When I stopped smoking, I allowed myself 1 cigarette per month. I did this for about 2 years.
86. Now, I only smoke upon occasion.
87. Like most casual smokers, I like to smoke when I drink.
88. I only drink upon rare occasion - usually no more than once every two to six months.
89. When I do drink, I only drink with close friends.
90. My malt beverage of choice is Mike's Hard Lemonade.
91. My favorite mixed drink is either a Tom Collins or something frou-frou with Bailey's and Kahlua.
92. My favorite straight liquor is Belvedere vodka.
93. I'm a cheap drunk. A couple of shots is all it takes to get me to my Happy Place.
94. Sometimes I get a little too far gone in my Happy Place. After my wedding, I pinched and slapped my maid of honor's ass and declared to the room full of people that I wanted to "ride her like a sled."
95. I will never live this down.
96. This is now feeling more like a confessional than a "100 things" list.
97. I've never been to a confessional. Seeing as how I'm not Catholic, I'm probably not allowed in a confessional.
98. I feel guilty about a lot of things, but I am trying to let go of them.
99. I'm becoming a better, smarter, more loving person every day.
100. I need to stop procrastinating and get back to work.

posted by Jennifer at 4/15/2005 07:51:00 PM

Blogger Penny said...

I wished you lived within walking distance of my house. I'd bring the vodka!

That was awesome! #94 just about killed me!

Great post!!

4/16/2005 05:00:00 PM  

Blogger Tickles_Tapeworm said...

Cat speak? Can we have an example?

I would never in a million years thought you smoked cigarettes.

I'd suggest taking up pot again, but that runs the risk of dulling the Kraken's hatred and anger.

4/17/2005 12:14:00 AM  

Blogger The Kraken said...

One thing about The Kraken: He has never tried drugs of any kind (note: alcohol is NOT a drug) and thinks they're stupid.

4/17/2005 10:06:00 AM  

Blogger Tickles_Tapeworm said...

If you get intoxicated on one substance, what makes it worse than any other?

Are you calling pot a drug? I didn't know you were from Utah. I thought yooze wuz frum Joisey?

(In my twisted mind, I imagine all the Kraken's posts in a really thick, more stereotypical than the Sopranos type accent, and J.W.K's in an overexaggerated southern twang. It's funnier that way, trust me.)

4/18/2005 11:35:00 AM  

Blogger Uncle Jay said...

Remarkably, both Kraken and Jennifer speak with no discernable accent. Jennifer smiles a lot and Kraken scowls a lot. They're really cute together. Yeah, I said it.

4/18/2005 09:41:00 PM  

Blogger The Kraken said...

I've had many, many friends who were way into pot and were goddamn pathetic losers all around. As far as saying I'm from Utah, I'm far from a Mormon, buddy. I'm one of the most open-minded people you'll meet. It's just that everyone I've ever known that was into pot was a fucking worthless hippie and if you want to associate yourself with that rabble then go right ahead.

4/18/2005 11:33:00 PM  

Blogger Tickles_Tapeworm said...

Sorry man, I was just trying to be funny. I didn't mean to twist your nipple so hard.

I didn't realize you hated mormons so much. Do you hate them more than fat people? What about fat mormons?

(Feel free to delete my comments if you want to keep things on topic)

4/19/2005 08:57:00 PM  

Blogger carrie said...

#63...Ha ha!
I thought you were joking about Conan!

4/19/2005 09:08:00 PM  

Blogger Jennifer said...

I'm not going to delete comments. Comment as you wish.

And yes, Carrie, I'm 100% serious about my crush on Conan O'Brien.

And I'm really drunk right now.

4/19/2005 09:11:00 PM  

Blogger Sean M Whelan said...

Great post Jennifer. The phrase "the Feeling of Infinite Sadness" is amazing! It's something I pursue or try to understand often through writing. And totally digging the Hot Bloggers Chart! cheers. (sorry if you get this post twice, I don't think it worked the first time.)

5/18/2005 08:27:00 PM  

Blogger Jennifer said...

Glad you like. I really don't think I write well, but am glad to hear my posts are enjoyed from time to time. :^)

I'm working on a 100 MORE Things list, so check back if you want to know even more...

5/19/2005 03:01:00 PM  

Blogger pawzz said...

MERCY! My eyes r tearing from laughing so hard. Following ur train of thought was hilarious...felt like i was standing there while u wrote...thnx, I needed to laugh today

6/10/2005 10:17:00 PM  

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